The holiday season is finally here, and everyone is in the spirit of giving. In honor of that Christmas spirit, we're looking to deliver a perfect Christmas gift to every team in the NFL this year. What's on the Patriots' Christmas list? What isn't on the Cardinals' Christmas list? How much coal will be in Ben Roethlisberger's stocking this year?
I'm playing Santa Claus for the next few minutes, and I'm breaking down what everyone's getting this year on Christmas morning.
Arizona Cardinals — Madden NFL 13 for XBox 360
When I saw the Cardinals' Christmas list this year, I was a little bit overwhelmed. There was simply no way that my elves could come up with everything they wanted. A quarterback, a running back, a coach, two coordinators, a defense, a special teams unit, and a time machine to go better utilize the years of Larry Fitzgerald's career that the franchise has wasted? Not even super steroids could have gotten my elves into shape to whip up that order. So, instead, I'm giving them a copy of Madden for XBox. This way, they can meddle with some settings and aspire to win the Super Bowl.
Atlanta Falcons — A Pressure Cooker
The Falcons actually didn't put anything on their list this year. They've been good, but they didn't ask me for anything. It's as if they feel they already have the weapons they need. I've realized, though, that they can't win games under pressure. I considered giving Matt Ryan some ice for his veins, but the application of that gift could get touchy. So instead, I'm hoping that by giving the team a pressure cooker, they can start to improve when it comes to cooking under pressure.
Baltimore Ravens — A Ray Rice Fat Head
The Ravens' Christmas list was written by John Harbaugh with love, and I respect John for being so passionate in his requests. He asked me for Jerry Rice in his prime, though, and I realized that John was under the misconception that his team is a pass-first juggernaut offensively. Since I cannot communicate with John explicitly, I'm giving him and his team a fat head of Ray Rice to hang in his office (or whatever room the coaches sit in to draw up their offensive game plan). It may work, subliminally.
Buffalo Bills — One-Way Flight Tickets to LA
The Bills have been on my nice list for years, but they never seem to be able to utilize any of the gifts I give them. It's not always their fault. So this year, I'm giving them a free flight to LA. I hope they get the message. Go there, stay there. Hopefully the AFC West will take you under their wing, and when that happens, you'll have a chance to compete for division championships once again.
Carolina Panthers — Lifetime Supply of Cammy Cam Juice
I was told that Tracy Wolfson loved the Cammy Cam Juice when Cam Newton made her drink it on the sideline during the SEC Championship game a few years ago. The Panthers, being the honest bunch they are, simply gave me a Christmas list that said "anything to make us win." I think the Cammy Cam Juice is the answer. I mean, just look at Tracy enjoying it.
If anything is clear at this point, it is that the Chicago Bears just want to keep Jay Cutler healthy and happy. For whatever reason, they can only win with Jay in the lineup. So, their request to me was simply to get anything that will keep him healthy and happy. Well. the cigs may not keep Jay healthy, but Smokin' Jay loves his cigs. And when Smokin' Jay is happy, the Bears are happy.
Cincinnati Bengals — Stainless Steel & Fortified Concrete
Ho, ho, ho! Why would Santa give such a boring and bland gift to a team with such interesting uniforms? Well, look. The Bengals are basically running a Gridiron Gang in Cincy filled with convicts and thugs (See: Burfict, Pacman, Kirkpatrick). I figured I would give them the supplies to make their own prison, killing two birds with one stone and eliminating the transfer from real prison to the clubhouse.
Cleveland Browns — Logo Designer 2.0 for Mac or PC
My elves have been working on a new computer program for designing logos. I'm giving it to the Browns this year. This way, they can work on improving their current logo, which is their helmet. Which doesn't have a logo on it.
Dallas Cowboys — "Don't Stop Believing" Karaoke Kit
Every year, Tony Romo and Jerry Jones ask me for the same gift. It's this weird karaoke kit so that they can sing a rendition of "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. They seem to be very insistent on passing this message along to their fans. So I'll give it to them for the 7th straight year.
Denver Broncos — Footage of 2011 Tim Tebow
The Broncos' Christmas list was very short. It had nothing of significance on it, except for a way to be more recognized as an elite team. Since I couldn't help them there, I'm giving them some footage for the film room. Very simply, do the opposite of what you see Tim Tebow doing, and you'll be fine when it comes to the passing game.
Detroit Lions — Secure Challenge Flag Belt
Jim Schwartz had "Coach of the Year Award" on his Christmas list, as well as a new conscience for Ndamukong Suh. Since I can't give someone a conscience and Schwartz would never win coach of the year despite his steadfast belief that he deserves it, I'm giving him the next best thing. An innovative belt that prevents him from throwing challenge flags.
Green Bay Packers — Framed Photograph of that Replacement Ref
Yeah, that guy. You know the guy I'm talking about. Seattle, Golden Tate, Russell Wilson. You know.
Houston Texans — Brian Cushing, Cloned
It's very rare that Santa busts out his cloning machine, but the Texans need it so badly, I'm going to do it. I'm cloning their star linebacker who is injured for the season, and giving him back to them. They still won't hold a candle to New England, but at least they can more successfully play the act of being an elite franchise.
Indianapolis Colts — Hand Woven Dream Catcher
This one goes mostly to the Colts' coaches and fans, who seem to be confused at the moment regarding whether or not they are dreaming. A 9-4 record in the first regular year without Peyton Manning? Whatever dream catchers do, I'm giving it to them in the hopes that they can keep their dream rolling. Don't wake up!!!!
Upon further review of the Jags' Christmas list — which included all of the gifts previously mentioned on this list, plus a defense and a fan base — I decided that there was no way to satisfy everyone. So I'll satisfy the QB who no longer plays QB for Jax. With hair like this, Blaine could always use a little more Gabbert Gel.
Kansas City Chiefs — Real Arrowheads
The Chiefs play at Arrowhead Stadium, but Santa is taking it a step further this year. With actual arrowheads, the Chiefs will be one step closer to winning a championship. Next year, they could get some arrows to put the arrowheads on. And in 2014, they might get some bows. At that point, they'll be fully equipped to headhunt from the sideline and effectively eliminate the rest of the teams in the league. Natural selection, right?
Miami Dolphins — Stadium Upgrade: Built-In Nightclub
The Dolphins asked for Dan Marino, but for obvious reasons, I cannot fulfill that wish. Instead, I'm giving their stadium a brand new nightclub. This way, if the Dolphins play their cards right, fans might be in attendance at Sun Life Stadium. Even if it isn't to watch the team.
Minnesota Vikings — Back Brace for AP
Most of the Vikings' list consisted of minor things, as they seem to be confident in what they're building here. But I used my judgment on this one and decided that a back brace for Adrian Peterson was the most fitting option. The entire team has been on his back since Brett Favre pretended to be good.
New England Patriots — Tom Coughlin's Home Phone Number
The Patriots don't need anything for Christmas, except to avoid a match-up with the Giants in the Super Bowl. Coach Belichick and I both know that his Pats would beat any other team by three touchdowns, but the Giants are his daddy. So, hopefully, with this gift, New England can harass Coughlin into retirement.
New Orleans Saints — Monopoly: Bountygate Edition
A few things have become clear to me this Christmas about the Saints. For one, they can't win without Sean Payton as their coach. Since I can't change that, I'm left with the other thing they can't win without — a bounty program. With this Bountygate edition of Monopoly, hopefully the players can get back into that bone-crushing mindset with Monopoly money at stake.
New York Giants — Rosetta Stone: English
A brand new Rosetta Stone program to help Eli Manning learn the English language. Hey, QB has to do interviews, too.
Vinny Testaverde was the only one I could get my hands on when the Jets put "quarterback upgrade" on their Christmas list. Nobody seemed willing to step up to the plate, so I reached out to the last good QB they had.
Oakland Raiders — A Football Stadium
Look... this is 2012. There's really no reason why we should still be playing football games on a baseball field. 'Tis the season of giving, after all. A generous gift.
Philadelphia Eagles — 24-Pack of Duct Tape
Anyone seen the scene from Friday Night Lights where father preaches to son about fumbling? Some good old duct tape will do the trick. Now, Santa isn't claiming that this will fix the Eagles' fumbling problem (21.... 21 FUMBLES!! 21 FUMBLES LOST!!!!) on the season, but it's a start.
Pittsburgh Steelers — Puke BucketsPittsburgh had a lot on their list this season, including a plea to move out of the AFC North because of the rising Cincinnati Bengals and the consistent Baltimore Ravens. There were some other simple things on the list that I simply said no to, because of the throwback jerseys they have worn this season. I'm giving them puke buckets to prevent a big mess in the locker room the next time those jerseys are visible.
St. Louis Rams — Inception Kit
Santa got clever here, so hear me out. The Rams' Christmas list included a time machine to revisit Steven Jackon's prime, a true No. 1 receiver, and an injury-free potion for Sam Bradford. But their biggest problem is that they are AWESOME at kicking long field goals, which are worth no more than short ones. Rookie kicker Greg Zuerlein has 14 field goals of 40+ yards, and only 7 from under 40 yards. The Inception kit will allow St. Louis to meddle with Roger Goodell's brain, prompting him to make 50-yard field goals worth more than three points.
San Diego Chargers — Marty Schottenheimer
Chargers fans have been tossed around like rag dolls in the Norv Turner era. I think they're finally realizing he's the worst coach on the planet. In reality, firing Marty was the worst move that franchise has made. He lost some playoff games. Big deal. He always got them there, and he was going to win them at some point. They'd love him back. Santa is saving the day, delivering a gift-wrapped head coach who can win in San Diego.
San Francisco 49ers — Their 2012 First Round Pick
AJ Jenkins? Really? Doug Martin was taken the very next pick after AJ Jenkins. Then David Wilson was taken with the following pick. Both guys have produced. Janoris Jenkins was taken a little later. And lots of other impact players, too. Santa is giving the 49ers this pick back, because had they used it properly, they could be in even better position to win a Super Bowl.
The main thing on Seattle's wish list this holiday season was a 16-game home schedule, so that they could become an elite franchise. Because let's face it — the Seahawks are full-fledged beast mode at home. But since I cannot grant that wish, I'm giving them lots and lots of Skittles to keep Marshawn Lynch in finely tuned beast mode.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Thank You Note
I'm personally delivering a Thank You Note to the Bucs this year, expressly written from Bill Belichick and the Patriots, for handing over what now seems to be a Pro Bowl caliber cornerback by the name of Aqib Talib. Granted, he was headed south in Tampa. Still, Patriots nation delivers a Thank You Note. And a hamster wheel, for the Muscle Hamster.
Tennessee Titans — 24 Pack of Ramen Noodles
If you don't understand this, then you haven't seen Chris Johnson's wonderful "Stupid Noodle Game."
Washington Redskins — Corn Rows, Visors and Arm Sleeves
For the whole team. Not just the quarterback. Look, you're simply lying to yourself if you think that the Redskins are winning solely on talent. They're riding the unfathomable swag of RGIII right now. No player in the NFL is visibly fresher than the rook. And it inspires his squad. I guess he's a decent quarterback, too.
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